Remembering

The last couple of days have been a little rough for me. I have been remembering my dear friend, CPL Jessica Ellis, who died in Iraq one year ago yesterday, May 11, 2008.

It has been a year, and yet it still hurts like it was yesterday. She was one of my best friends, a little sister, my confidante, beloved Auntie, and so much more. She was the first person I ever let watch Bug and Peanut. She provided so much laughter to our home. I just have such a huge hole left now, and I don't know that it'll ever be filled completely.

I try to only think about the good times, there were so very many. She and I never really had any bad times.

I remembered beating up the punching bag with her one day at the gym, after her first deployment. She lost some friends that time. I remember she had a lot of aggression that day, it had been building up for a while, and she was beating the bag so hard I could barely hold it still for her. And I outweighed her by nearly twice as much!!! I remember her uttering "take this for..." and "this is for..." They just came so fast, one after the other. When she finally stopped she said she felt better. Well, at work this morning, I was breaking apart boxes during shipment. It has to be done fast, for the most part there isn't time for a box cutter. So I was stomping the one kind of box, hard on each corner to break them. And the more traditional boxes, that are taped shut, those we turn over and punch to break a side free from the tape. The rest is easy. Well, I was stomping and punching like Jess had all those months ago, at least 2 years ago come to think of it! I was internally saying the same things. "Take that!" "This is for hurting my friend." "This is for causing her family this pain" "This is for making Mother's Day such a bad memory for her mom." And like Jess, they just kept coming. Through most of the boxes. Toward the end I was so exhausted, sweat streaming down my face. No tears, I was too angry for tears. And it felt better, just a tiny, little bit, but it did feel better.

Even now though, writing this, it brings tears to my eyes. I still wonder, when it will stop hurting. When will I be able to think about her and NOT start crying. I can talk about her now and be okay, when I think about her being gone though, I cry. Every time. And I'm not sure I mind it to tell you the truth. I don't WANT to NOT miss her.

It's been a rough year without her. Homecoming was the worst. Everyone else came home. She didn't. The memorial's in February were pretty hard too. Seeing her parents again (I had met her Dad just before she deployed, but hadn't met her mom until the funeral). Standing back and just remembering her. Seeing her name in granite on the 2 memorials. That was a tough one for me. And visiting her grave in Arlington was pretty tough. But for some odd reason, yesterday and today have been the worst.

I'm fortunate though. I have wonderful people around me who are understanding an supportive of me. People to hold me while I cry. And my two beautiful daughters who's hugs and smiles have the ability to ease my pain.

Jess, I miss you so much. I wish we'd had more time together in this life. But in the blink of an eye for you, we'll see each other again on Resurrection Morning. I love you girl!